Out of Control

It’s been a bad day, I’ve been fighting it all week, today broke me.  Work has been getting inspected, my son is off of school but I can’t get even one day off with him and my husband woke up with left-sided chest pain that I had to decide was muscular or a serious health concern.  My workouts have been crap, and I’m gaining weight by the second.

I am CONSTANTLY thinking about eating, what I’m going to eat, when, I’m never “full”, never satisfied.  I actually think about the ice cream in my freezer when I’m driving home from work. No one knows what I ate today, no one knows that I started at 6am chewing and spitting a left over brownie from my son’s birthday,  I told myself I’ll just chew one and that should be enough for today, well that wasnt the case.  I went to work and by 10am I had already eaten all my food, about 1100 calories. When I came home I went STRAIGHT to the freezer and had some quick bites of ice cream, my husband walks in as I’m closing the fridge and I’m deathly afraid he’ll taste ice cream as he kisses me hello.  He doesn’t make a comment so I’m “safe”.  A co-worker sent an easter gift home for my son, I peaked in to see an entire full size bag of M&Ms, and I pretend to myself like I won’t eat them.  I have to run out for an errand and I nonchalantly grab the bag and I’m eating M&Ms before I even leave the driveway.  I ate handful after guilty handful all the way to the store.  We had dinner as a family, and I didn’t eat that much, I told my boys I wasnt that hungry.  As I cleaned up the kitchen I secretly binged on any sweets I could find, Cadbury eggs, Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, I even know that if I turn on the faucet while I dig in the cabinets no one will hear me opening bags and wrappers.  I estimate I’ve eaten about 3000 calories today.  I feel terrible, I feel guilty, I feel disgusted with myself.  I already know I’ll be wearing oversized clothes to the gym tomorrow bc I’m afraid someone will notice I look bigger than yesterday.  At this point the exercise is just slowing the gain more than balancing it and I’m in a downward spiral. I need help, I want to stop, I’ve done it before, but right now I’m in deep.  The craziest thing of all is no one around me even knows it.