Current Status…Chewing

I’ve been away from the blog for a bit, I was “clean”, and not that I abandon my blog when I’m “clean” it just happened that way this time.  I went an entire month without chewing, and get this on my exact one month anniversary, instead of holding strong bc it was such an epic day, I chewed my ass off more than I have in a long time.  Life got hard and I didn’t care anymore.  I think that’s what must happen to addicts of all types, when you feel like there’s no purpose, no reason to be “clean” you just go back, its comfortable, it’s familiar, and even though it’s bad it’s something you know how to do quite well.

I fear this is going to be a bad stint bc I haven’t even been feeling guilty about it, and it’s not about eating foods I’m craving because one night I binged and I didn’t feel the same comfort as when I C&S.  This has showed me it is the actual chewing and spitting that is the coping mechanism, not the in-fill of food.  Weirdly, its been granola bars this time, of course my husband’s granola bars that I “don’t eat”, so three times I have had to go to the store and replace the cupboard before he notices a change.  It’s absolutely pathetic.  This has become my main focus of my days, when I’m home alone I go straight for the bars, then straight to the store to replace the bars but I have to take out the right number of bars my husband has already eaten so he doesn’t notice the difference.   Do I really have no better way to spend my time?

I want to try and get “clean” again but right now I wake up every day and I fail every day.    The thought just hit me…maybe I won’t chew for the rest of today and that will be a start.  Who needs tomorrow when you have today.  I’ll keep you all posted.

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