When someone is an alcoholic they can stay away from the liquor store, a drug addict can avoid drugs, but what happens when you’re a food addict, you still have to eat, you still have to buy groceries for your family, it’s like giving an alcoholic one glass of wine and saying control yourself.
I haven’t really felt this way before, I guess because I usually just give in, but I’ve been really trying to not chew. I’m four days “clean” right now which is the most I’ve been in months. Grocery shopping this week was a nightmare. I had my list as usual but as I went up and down the aisles I literally had to fight to control the impulse of buying food solely to chew and spit. I found myself looking at items and reminiscing about chewing them in the past, and the worst part was, I didn’t feel negative about it, it was more like “ugh, I love chewing those” as I fight to keep my hand off the shelf. I’m embarrassed, I feel like a weirdo, I like chewing, I’m trying not to because it’s bad for me but I don’t feel negative toward the action at all. To me it’s like someone who says “I love riding bikes”, it’s a freaking past time for me, “I LOVE Chewing”. Ice cream was on sale this week, do you know I walked past the ice cream three or four times, debating, reasoning that it was for the family, admitting to myself that I just want to chew it and maybe I should just go for it, the struggle was immense. I won the battle this time, I walked away without the ice cream or any other “chew” foods but I am far from being ahead of it. I think about chewing maybe more than anything else and I’m struggling to keep my streak going.
The worst part is I haven’t chewed or binged in 4 days and I haven’t lost a pound, like what the serious Fuck!