In-between

I’m still chewing, it’s not terrible, but it’s daily.  I haven’t weighed myself in a week, I’m too scared.  I realized today how much the scale rules me.  I looked in the mirror this AM before my shower and I couldn’t decide if I felt fat or “skinny”, is that crazy!?! It was like my brain didn’t know my current weight and I couldn’t decided how I felt about my body.  This also lead me to think, do people critique their bodies as much as I do?  I judge myself multiple times daily, and if I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t pass a mirror without looking in it. It’s not one of those “let me admire myself ” looks, it’s more like “how terrible do I look”  I’m really tired of the struggle right now so I’m just coasting.  I don’t feel like full on chewing and spitting, I’m satisfied with a few cookies and done. I guess I’m somewhere in-between full on addict mode and recovered binge eater.  Am I proud of this? NO. But I have a few other things that need my attention right now so I’m just trying to maintain my sanity.

Halloween is the worst time of year for an addict like myself.  I have actually already chewed 2 bags of candy I bought for trick or treaters.  It’s sad because I knew deep down they wouldn’t last until Halloween, thats why I chose the candies I chose, but at the store I justified buying them early because they were on sale.  I’m just hoping my husband doesn’t notice they are gone.  Praying for some strength.

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